We met some friends for dinner last night. Our kids are all about the same age and we drifted to talking about the college admissions scandal – is that what we’ve all agreed to call it? I refer to it as the Aunt Becky scandal, but that’s me, anyway – then we further drifted into the topic of young YouTube stars and how we have a few in this community that are making stupid money. 

Rumor has it, one of them is a little asshole with no interest in school because he’s making cash recording himself playing Fortnight on YouTube. A “playthrough”, I believe the kids call it. And as a result, he’s not too interested in his education because he’s making serious coin playing video games. I sort of just said that twice because I’m still surprised this is a thing. 

That does not make me a hater. Oh no, quite the opposite. 

This trend has inspired me to try to figure out what my YouTube channel should feature to draw in the women in my demographic so I can get paid stupid money doing something I would do for free. 

I had a couple ideas, probably more than is necessary:

Scrolling Streaming Services – I would record myself narrating as I scroll through all the different video streaming services and give voice to the reasons why I’m not choosing anything to watch from the various options. For example, “I’m looking for something funny, but super light, so anything that has pathos in it is out, oh, here’s Baywatch, no, that feels like too silly, I want something less silly, oh here’s Fast Times at Ridgemont High, you know, I loved that the first thirty times I saw that in the 80s but I’m worried it hasn’t held up over time and that’s always the worst, like Heavy Metal, oh let’s see, how about The Favourite, no, that’s not going to be light enough because the humour will be British and that makes me think….” 

Believe me, I can do this for hours and never land on anything to actually press play for, and I can verbally process all of my contemplation for the viewers enjoyment.

Facebook Feed Interpretation – I can scroll through my FB feed and offer my hot take on the various posts. Like which marriages are known to be on the rocks even though the post is full of love talk. Or provide the background and various connections to the person posting like, “oh, that’s Danielle and she’s married to Gary, who went to school with your dad. Never liked each other but Danielle and I worked together years ago at the bank and we had a lot in common. Shame their oldest kid who ended up with face tattoos.” It’s like a happy hour with my girlfriend’s and our gossip conversation but I can wear yoga pants and there’s no hangover. 

Dressing Room Dets – Come along while I shop for clothes and have one sided conversations with the camera that always involve me considering each new outfit waaaay too long and from far too many angles. Like somehow, if I stand just so, in a wildly unnatural pose, the clothes will finally meet with my approval. You can experience the vicarious thrill of finally finding a pair of jeans that fit and the utter defeat of the shopping trip where nothing looks good but you need a new outfit for a “thing” you have to go to. 

Sephora Play Box Unboxing for the Facially Challenged – I love the shit out of my Sephora subscription box, make no mistake. But I have no freaking idea how to use most of the stuff that comes in the box. It is so freaking complex anymore. Highlighters, tints, serums, bronzers, 50 different kinds of masks and cleansers – I have no clue what order do you even use these things in? I propose that I open the products and just start using them and describe what I’m doing, how I think they should be used. It’ll be fun because it will be so easy to feel superior to me. Like when a playthrough YouTubers isn’t that good at the game. 

Podcast Patter – Let me save you the trouble of spending your time listening to the actual podcasts by listening to them for you and then summarizing the episodes with lots of hand motions and inserting my own personal opinions. I’ll also do that thing where I remember halfway through the explanation something integral to the whole epi and go “wait, wait, wait…” and restart the whole thing. Doesn’t that sound like a blast?

Target Unbagging – I’ll go to Target and buy all the things and then come home and record myself taking each item out of the bag and talking about how it came to be in my cart. Imagine the hilarity of me trying to explain my impulse purchases. The shame of holding up a sign that says “Someday, Everything Will Make Perfect Sense. For Now, Laugh At The Confusion, Smile Through The Tears And Keep Reminding Yourself That Everything Happens For A Reason”* – What does that even mean? Why would anyone need that? Because you don’t tell Target what you need, Target tells you. 

*actual sign for sale at Target

Ok, I’ll stop now. I’m on to something though. 

Women of a certain age are an unserved demographic in the YouTube universe and girls, we don’t have to be. Let’s grab a piece of that platform so the kids aren’t the only ones making money. 

I know we can do this, ladies. Let’s roll out. I’ll keep you posted on my channel.