I noticed a trend in the merchandise associated with the spirituality/personal development arena. Every individual, when they reach some pre-determined critical mass of brand awareness, creates a deck of cards that reflect the brand. There are angel cards, love notes, power thoughts, wisdom cards, #truthbombs, #spiritjunkie cards, etc. In each version, the cards are pulled at random to provide inspiration or divine advice when you need it. The individual cards contain a statement or message that you can use straight up or as a signal from the Divine. Or whatever your thing is.

To be clear, I think some of the decks are great. I’ve been seeking seemingly random wisdom and signs since my first encounter with a Magic 8 Ball in the first grade. I am not hating at all. As evidenced by the four various decks scattered throughout my living space.

No, what I want to do is introduce another deck of cards that cut straight through the shit. The #keepingitreal cards or the Life’s An Itch deck. Mine would be full of the stuff your best friend is supposed to tell you, but rarely does because she wants to stay friends with you or to avoid drama. I’d design them to look like the spiritual decks but with a badass font and the truths would be less open to interpretation.

Some examples I came up with off the top of my head:

“Capris shouldn’t be in your closet.”

“Maybe it’s your kid that’s the asshole.”

“No, seriously, they are not ‘just jealous’ of you.”

“Whatever rationale you’ve come up with to justify your actions, cheating is never OK.”

“You’re bored.”

“That’s not even your business.”

“Your view on that situation isn’t even close to reality. Try again.”

“You’re obsessing. Stop.”

“Leggings aren’t pants.”

“Nobody really cares that much.”

“Your selfie game is weak.”

“You dated for like, five minutes, twenty years ago, Let. It. Go.”

“If I were your boss and you brought that attitude to work, I’d fire you.”

“That thing you’re doing, where you think you’re being ‘real’? It’s actually just judgey.”

“You’re way too into your cat/dog/kid.”

“He’s cheating.”

“You’re not even making sense right now.”

“It’s not about you.”

“You’re being an asshole.”

“Yeah, those pants make your ass look fat.”

I gotta admit, once I started those, it was hard to stop. But you see where I’m going with it. Sometimes you need a little truth bitchslap to get your attention. Also, sometimes you already suspect the truth of the situation; you just don’t want to look at it. These cards could help.

What cards would you like to see in the deck?